Yakap

Paano papahirin ang luha mo
Na dulot ng pagod at panlulumo
Paano aaluin ang lungkot mo
Kung nandyan ka at nandito ako.

Maari ko bang akuin ang hirap ng iyong kalooban
Dahil mahirap din sa akin makita kang ganyan
May magagawa ba ako? Mayroon bang paraan
Na ako’y makatulong upang pighati’y maibsan.

Sadyang hindi sanay na makita kang lugmok
O tulala at tahimik sa isang sulok
Sabihin mo sa akin, ano’ng maari kong gawin
Upang mapagaan ko ang iyong damdamin.

Makakatulong ba kung aking aaminin
Ang matagal ng nakatagong damdamin?
Pagmamahal para sa iyo na hindi ipinakita
Dahil alam naman natin na talagang di uubra.

Hayaan mo na lang na ika’y mayakap
Kahit ‘di mawaksi nadarama mong hirap
Baka sakaling kung dibdib ay maglapat
Maitawid ang pagibig na ‘di maipagtapat.

August 2018

You Spin Me Right 'round

It's 3 in the morning... No I'm not going to sing. I just can't really sleep. Blame it on hot j.cochino I had around lunch time. Blame it on this midlife crisis I seem to have. Blame it on the first day funk. Better yet, blame it on finally having sex after almost 2 months of involuntary celibacy.

I've been meaning to immortalize this state of my mind for days now. I can't even find the right words. All I know is that I believe, for almost 40 years of my conscious existence, this is the second time I have lost control of my world. How did that happen to a type A control freak class act such as I?

Yes, this is the second time. I remember the first like it was just a week ago though it's been 12 years, when without any warning, not even a sign, or so I thought, the love of my life left me for another. The fact that it came as a surprise really broke me; I was not functioning for three days. I thought I'd die then of heartache. But thanks to my being a psychbook freak, I rose from the ashes with the help of an abnormal psychology textbook.

Now my world is spiralling out of bounds. I have been depressed and avoiding usual tasks specially at work by not reporting for duty for days and spending those days on TV marathon.  I am fully aware of the reason for this funk but I can't do away with it. I am losing control and it seems to be taking over even against my better judgment.

For years I have managed to ignore it by actually not thinking about it for the very reason that it just cannot be. But a few days ago, a dream brought it to my clear consciousness. Now I cannot control it. I do not like losing control. I do not like it because I know I will lose and will end up broken again. 

I want someone to talk to. But it seems the people around me these days will not understand for they have always known me to be the strong person that I am.

I am so very lost...

I feel stupid. I have not felt like this before. I have always been brave and confident. But you have robbed me of my confidence, my composure. I have always been possessive of what's mine, controlling. But I know now I cannot have you and control you.

I can only pretend so much around people, that I am happy and content. I am thankful for the daily blessings, but right now I know my contentment would be you. That, to this moment, felt so impossible.

Now, do you understand my dread? 

I shouldn't really be left f**kless for more than a week. Girl gets crazy.

Berso Panyero

Pareko, ano na???
Umalis na ang lahat ng mahal ng masa,
Dumating, nagbasbas, at lumisan na rin ang Papa,
Pero ikaw, nandyan pa't nangungunyapit sa kapirasong upuan,
Sa pagaakalang ika'y nirerespeto't pinaniniwalaan??
Heto po ang malupit na katotohanan,
Hindi lahat ng magaling umarte ay nasa tanghalan,
May ilan din na hindi pa nasusumpungan,
At sa pagpapanggap na ika'y bahagi ng pangkat,
Award winning ang acting, kahit hindi sikat.
Ano pa bang kailangan mo?
Nasayo na ang lahat na pangarap ng simpleng tao.
Palayain mo na ang ginagatasang baka,
Wag mo ring pulaan ang butihing ama,
Dahil kahit anong putik ang ibato mo sa iba,
Mabahong burak sa mukha mo, pahirin mo muna.

-(Phoenix Esperanza, 2015) with permission from the author

Dalawampung Oras na Walang Diyos

Ang Nakaraan: Sa isang sulok ng paraiso nagaganap ang pagpupulong ng mga diyoses ukol sa isang kaganapang maselan. Lahat ay abala sa pagpapahayag ng kanilang saloobin upang makumbinsi ang kataas-taasang Ama habang ikinukubli ang kanilang personal na interes sa kapakanan daw ng nakararami. Isa sa mga nasa pulong si San Julio, Poon ng mga pangarap at pag-asa. Natatangi syang hindi sang ayon sa tinatahak ng usapan na alam nyang ikalalagay sa alanganin ng Ama. Nilisan nya ang pulong na iyon ng may mabigat na loob at balisang isipan.

Setting: Sa kaharian ng mga kaluluwang naghahanap ng gabay sa kinabukasan kung saan namumuno si San Julio. Isang malaking kapistahan ang nagaganap na inihanda ng ilan sa mga anghel ni San Julio bilang pagdiriwang sa katuparan ng mga pangarap ng ilang kaluluwa. Hindi alintana ng mga anghel maging ng mga kaluluwa ang bigat ng damdamin ni San Julio dahil sa napipintong desisyon na kanyang pinili.  Inihayag ito ni San Julio ngunit ang sanlibutan ay puno ng kasiyahang pansarili upang mapansin ito. May ilang anghel na nakaramdam ng kaba ngunit isinaisang tabi muna.

Unang oras:  Magkakasama ang ilang piling anghel, silang nakadama ng kakaibang kilos ni San Julio. Hanggang sa naganap na ang kanilang hinala: ipinahayag ni San Julio ang kanyang desisyong lisanin ang paraiso. Nagkagulo ang mga kaluluwa, nagkaturuan, nagsisihan. Nagtanungan kung bakit sila iniwan.

Ikalawang oras: Nagpatuloy sa mundo ng kalituhan ang mga kaluluwang muling naligaw. Nalilito man at nagdadalamhati, nagkaisa sa iisang damdamin na pigilan ang paglisan ni San Julio.

Ikatlong oras: nagpulong muli ang mga diyoses na nabulabog sa paglisan ni San Julio. Halatang balisa ang Ama na nahirapang gumawa ng desisyon. Sinamantala ito ng mga apat na arkanghel. Una na si Lucifer, na nagsabing sya na lang ang mamuno sa mga kaluluwa.  Tinutulan ito nila Gabriel kasama ang tatlo pang arkanghel, bumuo pa mandin ng pangkat na magsisigurong hindi makukuha ni Lucifer ang mga kaluluwa. Kahit sino daw, wag lang si Lucifer.

Ikaapat na oras: Pinulong ni Lucifer ang mga piling anghel at sinabing di nya man nais ay pilit na ibinibigay sa kanya ng Ama ang mga kaluluwa. Napaisip ang mga anghel sa dahilan kung bakit pinulaan ni Lucifer si San Julio, at sinabing ang dahilan ng paglisan nya ay ang napintong pakikipagmabutihan sa ilang piling kaluluwa. Nagdulot ito ng lungkot sa mga piling anghel, maliban kay anghel Maldita na alam ng marami na kaisa ni Lucifer sa kanyang adhikain.

Ikalimang oras: Pinilit ng mga piling anghel na makipagpulong kay San Julio. Hindi sila nagtagumpay.

Lumipas ang magdamag, halos walang patid ang luha ng mga anghel. Patuloy ang pagluhog kay San Julio upang sila'y gabayan.  Lalong bumigat ang kalooban ni San Julio, nahati ang kanyang kalooban sa pagitan ng prinsipyo at ng kanyang pagmamahal sa mga kaluluwang nangangailangan ng kanyang gabay sa pagkamit ng kanilang pangarap.

Ika-10 oras: Sa pangungulit ni anghel Bruhilda, nagawa nyang makausap si San Julio. Ipinahayag ni San Julio ang ilan sa dahilan ng kanyang paglisan. Damang-dama ni Bruhilda ang kalungkutan sa tinig ng Poon. Ipinagtapat din nito ang isa sa kundisyon ng kanyang paglisan na ihabilin kay Bruhilda ang mga kaluluwa. Tinanggihan ito ni Bruhilda sapagkat alam nya sa sarili nya na wala syang kakayahan at sapat na kapagyarihan upang gampanan ang tungkulin ng Poong San Julio. Sinabi rin nito ang katotohanan na si Lucifer ang nagprisinta kay Ama at hindi ito pinili, taliwas sa tinuring ni Lucifer sa mga anghel. Sa pagwawakas ng kanilang usap sinabi ng poon na labis syang nalulungkot dahil mismong ang Ama ay dumulog na sa kanya upang sya ay wag lumisan ng paraiso.

Ika-12 oras: patuloy ang nag iisang panalangin ng mga kaluluwa. Umabot maging sa kaharian ng internetopia, na kinikilala ang kabutihan at kakayahan ni San Julio na tuparin ang kanilang pangarap. Sumidhi ang kanilang adhikain.

Ika-13 oras: Nagdeklara si Lucifer sa pangkalahatan na handa syang maging bagong gabay ng mga kaluluwa. Sinuportahan ito ni Maldita.

Ika-14 oras: Patuloy ang mga anghel sa pagdulog kay San Julio upang sila'y makita at makausap, mabigyan man lamang ng tamang gabay kung talagang di na sya mapipigil sa paglisan. Sa wakas ay pinaunlakan sila ni San Julio.

Ika-18 oras: Buong kasabikan na naghihintay ang mga anghel sa pagdating ni San Julio. Lahat sila ay naghanda ng kanilang mensahe ng pamamaalam at pasasalamat.

Ika-20 oras:  Dumating si San Julio sa piging ng mga anghel. May kalungkutan man ang paligid, pilit nagpakita ng katatagan at kahandaan ang mga Anghel. Ipinahayag ni San Julio na dahil sa kanyang pagmamahal sa katotohanan, sa katarungan at sa pagsuporta sa Ama, napagdesisyunan nyang manatili bilang gabay ng mga kaluluwa. Naghiyawan ang mga anghel sa tuwa, tumulo ang luha ng kagalakan, natulala si Bruhilda sa walang pagsidlang kasiyahan, nahirapang magpanggap si Maldita na masaya sya dahil halata sa mukha ang pagkadismaya.

Ilang minuto pa ay pumailanlang na sa kalawakan at internetopia ang magandang balita. Nagtagumpay ang kapangyarihan ng nagiisang damdamin at panalangin. Muling nanaig ang kabutihan at katarungan.

Lahat ay mabuti.

EKSENA SA KLASRUM... (dyanwari)

(Malamig na araw, mahangin na klasrum)

(Mga mag-aaral na abala sa pagbuo ng TOS)

unggghhh.... (tunog ng zombie)

unggghhh....

R: 'wag kang makulit dyan di pa ko tapos!

J: unggghhh....

R: Sige galingan mo dyan sa pag-arte. baka makuha kang artista.

Prof: Tamang-tama J, auditions ngayon sa hollywood, kailangan ng mga katulad mo. Less make up.

J: Talaga mam?

Prof:  Oo, sa set ng Walking Dead season 5.

J: hehehe si mam naman... sa totoo lang mam, member ako ng theater.

Prof: Talaga? Sige nga kunwari auditions na. Pakitaan mo ko ng galit na walker.

J: unnngggghhh...

Prof: Yung masayang walker?

J: unnngggghhh... (same expression)

Prof: hehe sige yung malungkot na walker naman?

J: unnngggghhh... (same expression ulit)

Prof: yung nagulat na walker?

J: unnngggghhh... (same expression pa rin)

Prof:  haha galing mo, J, versatile ka iha natural na natural...

(next period)

Reporter:  (on nutrition) di kasi ako kumakain ng gulay, puro lang carne (with konyo intonation)

Classmate: wow sosyal, carnivore...

Prof:  eh kung fish lang kinakain ano tawag?

Class: mam, fishvore!

Prof:  anung meron sa hangin at ganyan ang trip nyo ngayon...

<high sa hangin>

<precious silly moments>

Blisters

As I watch my future teacher-students get busy with test construction, what with this crazy wind blowing away their hair and papers here at the 4th floor classroom, I start to contemplate about the week that went by.  One word comes to mind: CONSUMING.

I remember telling my psychology students how to use various defense mechanisms wisely, for one cannot really survive in this messed up world without mastering one or two.  I also remember how I always advise my clients of not allowing themselves to dwell on negative emotions.  I realize now, with this week's ordeal, that even rocks give way to consistent and persistent waters.  I should have also advised my clients to prepare for this persistent water.

Monday was the craziest, as I gleefully fulfill my duties a bomb was dropped.  I was so surprised that all I could manage was a poker face.  As I prayed for strength I kept thinking about which circle in Dante's Inferno is reserved for gossipers.

The next day, the school paper is circulated and what ruckus did it cause!  Now I know why my editors called the issue the Mighty Smiter, for it indeed smite plenty.  I heard one professor suffered high blood pressure and was hospitalized.  One was so angry that she lauched a "protect me" campaign among her constituents.  The best reaction of them all, was this Assumptionista who, in the peak of her BP and SL, have made comments, pronouncements even, in the presence of many students which I believe will come back to her soon.  Talk about major bullying in the workplace, classic harassment I tell you.  The week went by with almost everyone I work with not talking to me or looking at me, like it's all my fault.  These people are the epitome of the expression "ignorance is bliss."

Then I realized, I have been here before.  I have had this type of treatment before and just like then, it was quite troublesome.  There are no battle scars for this is no war - it's too stupid to be one.  There are no wounds to heal for the damage was too petty to be taken seriously.  What I get are blisters from this minute but repeated pokes.  You get blisters from buying the wrong shoes, and you keep up with the discomfort because of several reasons that only you can understand.  Eventually the blister turns to callus, an ugly souvenir of your stubborn determination.

What do we do with corns and calluses? We soak them in warm water.  We get a foot spa.  We put cream or lotion. We pamper ourselves.  A good way of dealing with this situation is to pay more attention to yourself.  Let's face it, there is no use to apologize specially if you firmly believe you didn't do anything wrong.  So might as well take care of yourself so as not to be bothered any further. Retaliation is futile, for with people like these against you, it's like swatting a fly with a barbecue stick. Just let them be and you just go ahead and don't look back.  Excuse them for being who they are.  In the end, it won't be you who would get a reservation in Dante's circles.

Umalohokan

In the times of our ancestors, centuries before broadcast journalism, there exist a career that is so lucrative that they carry the honor and respect as to the law makers themselves - they were called the town criers, or in our native language - umalohokan.  They went about every nook and cranny of village or barangay, reciting laws, proclamations, and announcements vital to the everyday life of the commoners.  They were as good as their pronouncements, and their presence commanded attention and order.

Communities all over the world have similar stories of persons or group of persons responsible for spreading news and information.  Needless to say, information has become as essential to life as a source of livelihood.

Being a campus journalist as early as grade school (I competed and won in one of the events in National Young Writers Conference), I can recall writing news, features, and helping out our advisers in layouting, up to distributing the papers to my school mates.  As a young journalist, I experienced being praised and scolded sometimes at the same time for the same article, imagine that.  It was one of the reasons why during high school I did not pay much attention to journalistic writing, although I still managed to join the Editorial Board.  That time, I wrote short stories and poems, I remember writing one novel  - but it was too cheesy I burned it.

In College, I pioneered the College Paper of my school - from freshman 'til I graduated, I was the editor in chief.  I started it with stapled mimeographed copies and elevated to broadsheet before I left.  Aside from journalistic writing I was still into poetry, writing occasionally (once every heartbreak) and I was able to publish two romance pocketbooks (the titles of which I will never divulge as long as I know shame) but paid handsomely during those times.  I remember in one issue, I was "summoned" to the Directress office for a supposedly "disgraceful" depiction of some people in our community.  The allegations were immediately dismissed as I was (according to my paper adviser) clever enough to express my thoughts in interrogative form, so IT WAS NOT A STATEMENT OF FACT.  Little did they know that it was a great stroke of luck; I never knew then that expressing in question forms will result to a "get out of jail free" card.  That's when I became best friends with the question mark.

THIS ARTICLE, MY FRIENDS, RAINS WITH QUESTION MARKS TO PROTECT MY CUTE, FLUFFY A*S.

Now as an educator, my background as well as my capacity to be the adviser of the College paper is being questioned just because of what the editors have chosen to publish.  I never doubted for one second the chosen line up of the editors specially with the articles in question.  Do these people know what BLIND ITEMS are, and what are they for?

I mean, why would you claim that it was you being described in a blind item, the fact that the identity was deliberately hidden to somehow protect not just the person in question but the writer as well?  Isn't that a clear admission of guilt?  Then you rally your troops, I mean, supporters to an advocacy that they cannot even comprehend just to "fight" for you?  What do you aim to accomplish in the end?  Are you not just digging your own grave?

What's more interesting is this challenge that we got from one of the respectable persons in the University.  We are being asked to name all the persons we described in that controversial article about gerontology. Do you want us to pretend we are stupid or what? Why would we risk LIBEL??  Then this #GatongQueen fans the flames with her majestic questions of procedures and rights of students (now I wait who would claim that title).  Next, they asked who are the persons behind the nom de plume.  Do they even remember the concept why nom de plume is used in the first place?  They are so intelligent, with minds full of so much lessons to teach the students that they seemingly forget that even Rizal and Bonifacio, considered bravest of this land, used nom de plume, and they call the editors COWARDS for not publishing their names?  What do they need the students' real identities for? So they could bully them some more?

How can you claim that you were defamed or disgraced by an article that does not bear your name? Yes it describes some characters which even if we conduct a survey tomorrow can be proven to exist in the academe, but why do you claim it's you?  Is it because you realize that you have been found wanting?

We never intend to disrespect any particular person (hey, we even stressed how "papunta pa lang kami at pabalik na kayo" works towards the end of the article - have you finished reading it by the way??) we simply wanted to let others know that there are, among you respectable seasoned citizens who seemed to have forgotten what they have sworn as their Hippocratic oath for teachers.  We have grandparents too; we love and respect them as much as how we want to love and respect all of you (yes even those claiming to be thunders #1-9).

What's this bull we heard that since students pay only less than a thousand for tuition, they should not complain as to what they get inside the classroom?  Is that for real?  OMG! (credit to #Diego) So they shouldn't complain when professors give them crap, loop from chapter one to chapter one, or sleep the entire period, or allow the students to report and discuss among themselves?  Since they pay less, they cannot receive more?  I heard that the Univ. President is pushing for ZERO TUITION FEE in the future.  If that will come true, then what happens to the rights of students? Do the logic.  Students, and specially the editors, are not UNGRATEFUL bast*rds and bi*ches as you depict them to be.  They are from poor families where every peso is equalled by blood, sweat and tears of their parents.  Doesn't this institution claim to be "where quality education need not be expensive?"  Kindly explain how using tons of manila papers and practicing cursive writing can be quality education IN A WORLD GREATLY CHARACTERIZED BY TECHNOLOGY? Do you think, when our students graduate and apply for jobs, their interviewer would ask them for a resume written in cursive?  Will our students, when they become professionals, be applauded when they present their mind blowing ideas to their CEOs and investors IN MANILA PAPERS and paper cut outs? OMG! (#Diego, thanks again) Wake up, smell the roses, and watch out for the signs of the times!

EDUCATORS SHOULD WATCH WHAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTHS. No matter how high or low your blood pressure and sugars may be.

I know, I know... I remember what I said earlier to my staff (not that old yet to forget, at least not yet, I will get there, but hey, no rush) that I will shut up, take their sentiments in one ear and let it out the other.  But what is one supposed to do when you see them "organizing" themselves and talking ill about you?  We take arms! WE GRAB A KEYBOARD! WE BLOG! MABUHAY ANG MALAYANG PAMAMAHAYAG!!!