You Spin Me Right 'round

It's 3 in the morning... No I'm not going to sing. I just can't really sleep. Blame it on hot j.cochino I had around lunch time. Blame it on this midlife crisis I seem to have. Blame it on the first day funk. Better yet, blame it on finally having sex after almost 2 months of involuntary celibacy.

I've been meaning to immortalize this state of my mind for days now. I can't even find the right words. All I know is that I believe, for almost 40 years of my conscious existence, this is the second time I have lost control of my world. How did that happen to a type A control freak class act such as I?

Yes, this is the second time. I remember the first like it was just a week ago though it's been 12 years, when without any warning, not even a sign, or so I thought, the love of my life left me for another. The fact that it came as a surprise really broke me; I was not functioning for three days. I thought I'd die then of heartache. But thanks to my being a psychbook freak, I rose from the ashes with the help of an abnormal psychology textbook.

Now my world is spiralling out of bounds. I have been depressed and avoiding usual tasks specially at work by not reporting for duty for days and spending those days on TV marathon.  I am fully aware of the reason for this funk but I can't do away with it. I am losing control and it seems to be taking over even against my better judgment.

For years I have managed to ignore it by actually not thinking about it for the very reason that it just cannot be. But a few days ago, a dream brought it to my clear consciousness. Now I cannot control it. I do not like losing control. I do not like it because I know I will lose and will end up broken again. 

I want someone to talk to. But it seems the people around me these days will not understand for they have always known me to be the strong person that I am.

I am so very lost...

I feel stupid. I have not felt like this before. I have always been brave and confident. But you have robbed me of my confidence, my composure. I have always been possessive of what's mine, controlling. But I know now I cannot have you and control you.

I can only pretend so much around people, that I am happy and content. I am thankful for the daily blessings, but right now I know my contentment would be you. That, to this moment, felt so impossible.

Now, do you understand my dread? 

I shouldn't really be left f**kless for more than a week. Girl gets crazy.

Berso Panyero

Pareko, ano na???
Umalis na ang lahat ng mahal ng masa,
Dumating, nagbasbas, at lumisan na rin ang Papa,
Pero ikaw, nandyan pa't nangungunyapit sa kapirasong upuan,
Sa pagaakalang ika'y nirerespeto't pinaniniwalaan??
Heto po ang malupit na katotohanan,
Hindi lahat ng magaling umarte ay nasa tanghalan,
May ilan din na hindi pa nasusumpungan,
At sa pagpapanggap na ika'y bahagi ng pangkat,
Award winning ang acting, kahit hindi sikat.
Ano pa bang kailangan mo?
Nasayo na ang lahat na pangarap ng simpleng tao.
Palayain mo na ang ginagatasang baka,
Wag mo ring pulaan ang butihing ama,
Dahil kahit anong putik ang ibato mo sa iba,
Mabahong burak sa mukha mo, pahirin mo muna.

-(Phoenix Esperanza, 2015) with permission from the author