I've been meaning to immortalize this state of my mind for days now. I can't even find the right words. All I know is that I believe, for almost 40 years of my conscious existence, this is the second time I have lost control of my world. How did that happen to a type A control freak class act such as I?
Yes, this is the second time. I remember the first like it was just a week ago though it's been 12 years, when without any warning, not even a sign, or so I thought, the love of my life left me for another. The fact that it came as a surprise really broke me; I was not functioning for three days. I thought I'd die then of heartache. But thanks to my being a psychbook freak, I rose from the ashes with the help of an abnormal psychology textbook.
Now my world is spiralling out of bounds. I have been depressed and avoiding usual tasks specially at work by not reporting for duty for days and spending those days on TV marathon. I am fully aware of the reason for this funk but I can't do away with it. I am losing control and it seems to be taking over even against my better judgment.
For years I have managed to ignore it by actually not thinking about it for the very reason that it just cannot be. But a few days ago, a dream brought it to my clear consciousness. Now I cannot control it. I do not like losing control. I do not like it because I know I will lose and will end up broken again.
I want someone to talk to. But it seems the people around me these days will not understand for they have always known me to be the strong person that I am.
I am so very lost...
I feel stupid. I have not felt like this before. I have always been brave and confident. But you have robbed me of my confidence, my composure. I have always been possessive of what's mine, controlling. But I know now I cannot have you and control you.
I can only pretend so much around people, that I am happy and content. I am thankful for the daily blessings, but right now I know my contentment would be you. That, to this moment, felt so impossible.
Now, do you understand my dread?
I shouldn't really be left f**kless for more than a week. Girl gets crazy.
